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The folks at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets offer a service guaranteed to ease your worries about the exegesis of Amillennialism and Premillennialism. For a $110 fee, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will send a “confirmed atheist” to your home to take possession of your pets, should your entire family be caught up in the Rapture, leaving your “left behind” pooch without so much as a chew toy to see him through the Tribulation. It makes sense, in a way. Wouldn’t only the cold-hearted let their pets endure the Tribulation alone?images

Perhaps not, if you’re an Amillennialist or Postmillennialist, and can take care of your pets until the Second Coming. In fact, the services of Eternal Earth-Bound Pets would seem only to have a market among Pretribulationalists, and to a lesser extent, Midtribulationalists, who believe the Rapture will take place before or during the time of persecution.

The people at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets insist their service is not a joke, but it is hard not to discern their parody with catchphrases like “Committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.” Perhaps the founders spent a bit too much time surfing the various Wikipedia pages on eschatology, which are adorned with chronological maps of competing end-times schemes. All the same, one measure of serious thought has gone into Eternal Earth-Bound Pets’ terms and conditions: “If subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured . . . EE-BP disclaims any liability; no refund will be tendered.”

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